Healing Shame: Reclaiming Our Worthiness
At its core, shame is the painful belief that we are unworthy of love, connection, and belonging simply because of who we are. It whispers that we are not good enough, not lovable enough, or even worse, that we are somehow ‘faulty’, bad or weak. This experience is deeply human and universal—unless someone is incapable of empathy or connection, shame touches us all at some point in our lives.
Shame can be just an occasional, situational feeling. But for many who have lived through relational or developmental trauma, shame can feel like a constant undercurrent—quiet, powerful, and ever-present. It shapes the way we see ourselves and influences how we show up in relationships, at work, and in the world.
And yet… we rarely talk about it.
Shame thrives in silence.
It grows in the shadows of secrecy and fear. The less we speak about it, the more it feeds on our isolation.
Like mould in a dark corner without enough air, shame flourishes when hidden—but begins to lose its power the moment we bring it into the light.
So, how do we do that?
The answer lies in building shame resilience—the ability to move through shame with self-awareness, courage and compassion, rather than being consumed by it. Shame resilience is not about never feeling shame. It’s about learning how to recognise it, navigate it, and transform it into something that connects us rather than isolates us.
Shame resilience exists on a continuum—from deep disconnection to empowered connection. Developing it is a process, a practice, and a path toward self-acceptance and healing.
Here are three key elements of building shame resilience:
1. Recognise Shame and Understand Your Triggers
The first step is recognising when you are in a grip of shame and the critical voice that drives it. Start noticing your physical and emotional reactions when you feel exposed, judged, blamed, or “not enough.” Pay attention to body’s state – sinking feeling, shrinking inside, pulling in, collapsing, weakening, not looking others in the eyes, and the harsh inner narrative. Feeling shame can activate defensiveness, or perfectionism as a compensation, people-pleasing, withdrawal, or rage as an attempt to cope with the pain of it.
Take some time to reflect on your shame triggers—those moments, interactions, or memories that bring up feelings of inadequacy. These triggers are often invisible, embedded in the fabric of society, family dynamics, workplace culture, or educational experiences. The more you can name them, the more power you have over them.
2. Move Through Shame with Self-Compassion
Once you’ve recognised shame, resist the urge to turn inward with harsh self-judgment. Instead, pause, … take a breath. Practice mindful awareness of what you’re feeling without becoming overwhelmed or over-identified with it. Observe shame nonjudgmentally and notice its illusion of blameworthiness, separateness and permanence.
Ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What am I telling myself?
Would I say these things to someone I love?
Respond to yourself with kindness, not criticism. Remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is part of being human. We all stumble. We all struggle. And we all long to be seen and loved just as we are.
Self-compassion isn’t self-indulgent - it’s essential for healing shame. It’s how we reclaim our worth, bit by bit.
3. Practice Vulnerability with Dignity and Connection
Shame pulls us to hide. However, the healing happens in connection.
When we reach out to someone we trust and say, “This is hard, and I feel ashamed,” we create a powerful opening for empathy to enter. The right kind of connection, one grounded in respect, presence, and safety can help us feel seen, supported, and accepted, even in our darkest moments.
This is vulnerability with dignity. It’s not about oversharing, emotionally dumping, or seeking quick relief. It’s about choosing to stay open, with care and intention, in relationships where it’s safe to do so. And when someone responds with compassion instead of judgment and we pause to receive and assimilate it, shame begins to loosen its grip.
The Antidote to Shame Is Connection
Ultimately, the path to shame resilience leads us back to our shared humanity. When we acknowledge that we are not alone in our struggles and that others, too, have felt unworthy, broken, or afraid, we begin to find freedom from shame’s hold.
Shame dissolves in the presence of connection with compassion. It cannot survive genuine empathy, authenticity, and self-acceptance that reminds us of our core original goodness.
And the more we embrace all aspects of who we are - nothing we accept about ourselves can be used against us to diminish us.
Is that the most therapeutic thing to do for healing shame? No. There is another way - to go out and do some good for somebody in the world. That experience will bring a state of being connected to one’s own goodness and bring sense of worthiness to others.
So, let’s choose connection—again and again—as the path home to ourselves.
And – there is more …
In the coming workshop, we will uncover the function of all emotions and feelings, including the complex role of shame in shaping the sense of self. We will explore how perpetuated shame—especially in adults who have endured complex trauma, neglect, and abuse—can be at the foundation of all emotional and psychological challenges. Through a practical, integrative approach, you will learn wholistic and relational interventions to help clients transform destructive emotional states and chronic shame. We will also explore specific remedies for shame and ways of developing resilience to acute shame reactions.